A Weekend with Family

Yesterday was the opening of the Family Week Celebration here in Cebu City. Josh and I were planning to join the inter-faith parade because it was the first time the church was joining the national celebration with other religious sects.

But then, we decided to spent the celebration with mom. At the hospital. After all, it's only right that we should be with our family during the occasion.

Mom's father, sister and niece also came to visit. Lolo (my grandfather) and my Aunt came all the way from Southern Leyte to visit mom. They went straight to the hospital as soon as it was day light and safe for them to travel from the pier.

Josh and I were still sleeping when there was a knock on the door and they appeared. Mom cried (tears of joy) as soon as she saw them because she has been waiting for them for days. She thought they won't be able to make it because of a storm. Anyway, it was a joyous reunion for them all. My cousin, who lives and works here in the city, also came to the hospital. Lolo's girlfriend also accompanied them. The only one missing in the reunion was her brother, Uncle Jimmy. 

That's Auntie Eunie wearing a pale blue shirt. Do you see the resemblance? They're truly siblings. On mom's left is Lolo. He's actually 80 years old but he looks to be about 60 or 70. I bet he has good genes. I wish mom has his genes so she and dad can grow old together. Grandpa is a widower and that's his girlfriend in the purple, Tita Charet. She's a friend of mom's and auntie's. 

That's my cousin Janice in the striped shirt. She's tall and pretty. My girl friends say I look like Maricar Reyes, but my cousin above looks more like the model slash actress my friends keep telling me about. Look closely and you'll see. ^_^

(We're smiling here but deep inside we're not because we don't like to see mom in such a state.)

It was a happy reunion. Even though the visit was a short one (they boarded a boat at 1pm that day), mom was really happy to see them, hug them and talk to them. I myself felt happy to see them. Being so far away from my relatives (Dad's sisters are living in the US and Mom's are living in Leyte), it's not all the time that we can bond with each other. So it makes me really happy when I see my aunts, cousins and my grandpa. 

***

Mother sent a text message to her sister, Auntie Eunie, asking them to come here so that mom could see Lolo before ... you know. Mom was afraid that she might not live long enough to see her father's and sister's face for the last time. She also doesn't like the thought that the next thing they'll hear about her is that ... you know.

I keep saying 'you know' as supposed to the "D" word because deep in my heart I'm not ready to accept that. Although mama told me to prepare myself for what is inevitable, I just can't. Sure, everybody is gonna die. But not like this. I hate to see her suffer, with all the tubes and catheters placed on her and all, but also don't want her to go. Not yet.

I still want her to see me get pregnant and see our baby. I still want her to be there when Dean gets married. I still want her to see Dallin pass the Architecture license examination next year. I still want her and Dad to serve in the church for a long time. I still want her to retire and have regular vacations to Leyte, her home. The list goes on and on. There are still so many things that I want her to see and experience. That's why I can't just let her go. It hurts. Thinking about the dreaded "D" is painful already as it is.

Growing up and in the church and having served a full-time mission, I know full well of God's Plan of Salvation. His plan of happiness. His eternal plan for all of us. I know fully well that "D" is not the end but a beginning. That families can be together forever. 

But sometimes I just want to be mad, angry and scream because in spite of what I know to be true, it still hurts really bad. It hurts even just by looking at my mama's current state, how much more when ... you know.

And I hate myself for thinking this way even though mom is still alive. But is it right to pretend that nothing is wrong? Is it right not to worry myself to sleepless nights? Sometimes I don't know what to think anymore. There are times when I tell myself that everything is going to be alright. But every time I hear that she's feeling this and that, I feel like a ton of bricks just fell on me. That's why there are times when I just don't want to feel happy anymore because sad happenings will just cut it short. 

If only we're rich. We could've afford to pay for better treatments. But that's another thing that hurts. As much as we want her to be treated, we couldn't because we can only afford what we can. The only thing that we can do is just pray that the heavens will open for a miracle to heal her from cancer. 

Yet no matter how hard we pray, no matter how many times we put her name on the temple prayer roll, no matter what we do to keep her strong and hopeful, it all boils down to Heavenly Father's will. 

Will I be able to accept God's will? That I do not know. Whatever it is, I just hope and pray that I will be strong enough to accept it. And that Heavenly Father will be there to catch me in case His will is not to our favor. 

I'm done venting.